“No questions asked” is one of our most popular phrases. It is short, confident, and frequently interpreted as an agreement to something we have not discussed.
To clarify: the phrase describes questions we do not ask. It does not answer the questions you do ask. This distinction became necessary after a customer requested a shipping date, a certificate of authenticity, and the name of our ultimate parent company, then cited the phrase as evidence that we should already have supplied all three.
The scope of the silence
We do not ask why you want a conch on your desk. We do not ask whether your colleagues have noticed. We do not ask why you have named it a director. None of those questions is necessary to admire a shell.
We may still wonder privately. Wondering is not asking. The policy remains intact.
We have no further questions. This should not be taken as evidence that we understood the answers.
Confidential, in a very literal sense
Whispering into a conch is a conversation between you and a conch. The conch has no microphone, no subscription, and no quarterly product roadmap. These are its strongest competitive advantages.
It is not, however, a soundproof room. The colleague sitting beside you is not bound by anything the shell has failed to say. We recommend treating an ordinary office as an ordinary office, even when the stationery becomes nautical.
Frequently avoided is not never answered
Our FAQ exists because entirely avoiding questions was producing repetitive meetings. We now provide answers where an answer can fit inside the scope of the question.
“Is this a shell?” is admirably specific. “Can this solve my situation?” has a significantly larger scope. We have not inspected your situation and, in several cases, would prefer it remained that way.
“Can I put it on a shelf?” can be answered with reference to shelf space. “Can I put it through the company?” cannot be answered by rearranging a shelf. These sentences have different verbs for a reason.
The revised service promise
We promise to maintain a distinction between a question, an answer, and a phrase that sounds like both while being neither. This may slow some conversations. It should shorten the follow-up email.
Readers who still require clarification are welcome to reread the sentence. Readers who require a larger shell can browse the conch. We consider both outcomes a successful use of our website.