S-001 / Singular asset
The “Totally Legit” Shell
A convincing desk companion for conversations that would be improved by a completely silent participant.
One scallop shell. Excellent exterior. Limited operational activity.
$9.99
A shell company. Literally.
Substantial shells.
Careful statements.
We sell actual shells.* Any broader interpretation of that sentence originated with you, and we admire your initiative.
The Shell-ection
Assets you can actually hold.
A small portfolio of well-presented marine exteriors. Each one is structured to occupy space without offering advice.
S-002 / Confidential exterior
The “No Questions Asked” Conch
Whisper your secrets into something with no microphone, no app, and no obligation to look interested.
One conch. No questions asked. Answers supplied separately, if at all.
$19.99
S-012 / Diversified box
The “Shell LLC” Starter Pack
Twelve shells, twelve divisions, one lid. Includes a board resolution for people who insist a collection needs governance.
Twelve shells. Compartmentalized responsibility. Charter available for inspection.
$99.99
The precision department
We stand behind every word.
Usually with counsel.
Our mission is to provide attractively presented shells and sentences that survive a second reading. We believe that a misunderstanding should never be allowed to mature into a contractual obligation.
“We have nothing to hide. We do have a shell.”
Offshore
We mean near the sea. You may have pictured somewhere with a discreet bank. That is a different picture.
Holding
We mean the act of keeping a shell in your hand. Your ownership chart may be more elaborate than required.
Liquid
We mean water. Please keep it off the presentation box and out of the quarterly forecast.
Shell LLC
LLC means Lovely Little Collection on this particular box. It does not register anything except mild confusion.
Returns
We mean putting the shell back where it was. Performance remains unchanged.
The Fine Print
News. With qualifiers.
Statements from the Department of Precise Statements. Please read what we wrote before reacting to what you heard.
Offshore by nature. Onshore when convenient.
A statement about our global footprint, which is mostly a footprint in sand.
Read the carefully worded statementOur commitment to transparency has an opaque exterior.
We have nothing to hide. We do have a shell. Those statements can coexist.
Read the carefully worded statementNo questions asked. Answers are a separate matter.
Our customer service philosophy contains exactly as much information as the sentence promises.
Read the carefully worded statementInvestor relations, broadly interpreted
Frequently Avoided Questions.
We have reviewed your concerns and narrowed the wording until they fit comfortably within our response.
How substantial are these shells?
Substantial enough to support an entire holding structure, provided the structure is a shelf.* Our board has inspected the photographs and unanimously approved the appearance of solidity.
Can I use these for tax purposes?
Tax season is an excellent time to place a shell on a piece of paper. Whether the paper is important falls outside our scope of inspection.* For particularly ambitious paperwork, we suggest a heavier shell.
Do you offer shell corporations?
We offer twelve entities per box. Here, “entity” means a thing that occupies a compartment. Our starter pack includes twelve departments and a board resolution* for anyone who considers a lid insufficient governance.
Where are you incorporated?
Our official position is between the lid and the lower-left compartment.* SoftBoulders describes this as vertical integration. We describe it in as few words as possible.
Does “no questions asked” mean confidential?
It means the conch does not ask questions. Your coworkers can still hear you. Our carefully scoped customer service statement covers the distinction.
What does the starter pack include?
Twelve shells, one constitutionally ambitious box, and a corporate charter*. The charter can be printed. The resulting paperwork is routinely mistaken for productivity.