Barbara has learned that Medicare plans receive stars and has immediately reorganized the kitchen table into an awards venue. The good tablecloth is out. The gravy boat has been promoted from acting administrator to trophy. Her husband has been told to wear the jacket he wore to a funeral in 2011, because this is apparently the same level of occasion.
Last Word Memorials has been retained to supervise the ceremony. We specialize in solemn presentations of statements that should have remained in the family group chat. Our opening inspection found a folder labeled WINNER, a folder labeled SUSPICIOUS, and a third folder containing coupons for a restaurant that is now a vape shop.
The Academy of People Who Remember When
Barbara has established her own judging panel. Qualifications include having owned a rotary telephone, knowing what things used to cost, and being willing to say that the children have never had to work for anything. Her grandson offered to help with the comparison. He has been excluded for wearing headphones while having no music playing.
Her proposed scoring system awards points for a reassuring cardigan, a brochure with a lighthouse, and a telephone voice that sounds like it knows how to change a furnace filter. A plan loses points if its website uses the word journey. A plan mentioning wellness must explain itself to her husband in the garage.
The committee has also nominated Barbara for Lifetime Achievement in Keeping Every Envelope. She is the favorite, although an unopened notice from the water department is mounting a late challenge. Nobody knows what the notice says. Its chances have improved because it is printed on particularly authoritative paper.
Barbara has accepted the nomination. She has not accepted that the brochure cannot answer every question simply by looking expensive.
The star cannot drive you to your doctor
Her daughter has interrupted rehearsals to ask about the actual doctor, the actual prescriptions and the actual bill. Barbara considers this a technicality. The daughter considers it the reason they are at the table. Our officiant has called a recess while both sides explain how long they have been putting up with this.
We have commissioned a small ceremonial star to sit beside the comparison paperwork. It has been instructed to remain decorative. It cannot make an appointment, negotiate with a pharmacy, or become the doctor Barbara has been seeing since the office still had an ashtray. The star has accepted these limitations more gracefully than the family.
The kitchen table's Official List of Things We Need to Check has consequently displaced the seating chart. Barbara would prefer a decision that can be announced with a photograph. Her daughter would prefer a decision that can survive a question. Management advises allowing time for both, since this family can turn a photograph into a question within seconds.
Please hold your applause until the paperwork is finished
Readers wishing to inspect the real ratings and comparison resources will find them in The actual paperwork below. Barbara has asked whether the section can be renamed The Evidence That Supports My Initial Impression. Our editorial desk has declined. We have already ordered the engraving.
The ceremony has now been postponed until Barbara finishes comparing her options. Her Facebook announcement remains scheduled because she has already written FINALLY SOME GOOD NEWS in capitals and does not intend to waste it. A niece has replied with a heart. Barbara has interpreted the heart as ratification of the minutes.
We are preparing her future monument with the exact portrait taken when her daughter asked to see the medication list. The round waterproof frame will preserve that expression through the family's continuing photo-care arrangement. It will receive no stars. It has already achieved the considerably rarer distinction of looking disappointed in everyone at once.