Forever in our hearts. Still wrong in the comments.
We turn a lifetime of Facebook posts into the one thing your family can’t mute. Real granite. His original face. The opinion that outlived everyone’s patience.
THE OFFICIAL NARRATIVE / NO. 010 · RANT-ERA PORTRAIT
Kenneth L. Price1945 – 2026
THEY SAY I DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES. SAME PEOPLE THAT TOLD YOU PLUTO WAS A PLANET. KEEP BELIEVING THEM.
FOREVER IN OUR FEEDS
THE FAMILY HAS REPLIED
“Dad pre-wrote this in 2011.”
Original spelling preservedBoth sides of the family offendedEvery claim verified against something he posted*
A CONVICTION WORTHY OF STONE
He posted it 400 times. It must have meant something.
Traditional memorials remember a loving father, a devoted husband, a good neighbor. We remember what he actually spent his time telling 312 Facebook friends.
The weather machine. The communist roundabout. The war on cash. That one parking-space dispute that somehow became about George Soros.
We remove the birthday wishes and get to the man underneath.
THE PERMANENTLY PINNED COLLECTION
Set in his ways. Now set in stone.
Browse by grievance. All monuments available in dignified granite and the exact tone that ruined Thanksgiving.
Ronald E. Peterson1943 – 2026
I DO NOT GIVE FACEBOOK OR ANY OF ITS ASSOCIATES PERMISSION TO USE MY PHOTOS, INFORMATION, OR REMAINS. COPY AND PASTE THIS ON YOUR OWN HEADSTONE. DO NOT SHARE.
FOREVER IN OUR FEEDS
001 / DO YOUR RESEARCH
The Copy & Paste Clause
I DO NOT GIVE FACEBOOK OR ANY OF ITS ASSOCIATES PERMISSION TO USE MY PHOTOS, INFORMATION, OR REMAINS. COPY AND PASTE THIS ON YOUR OWN HEADSTONE. DO NOT SHARE.
“Please stop calling the tenants your little proletariats.”
Michael · Son
Gary R. Simmons1947 – 2026
BACK IN MY DAY WE DRANK FROM THE HOSE AND TURNED OUT JUST FINE. NOW EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST. MY THREE UNGRATEFUL CHILDREN HAVENT CALLED SINCE CHRISTMAS.
FOREVER IN OUR FEEDS
006 / BACK IN MY DAY
The Hose Water Generation
BACK IN MY DAY WE DRANK FROM THE HOSE AND TURNED OUT JUST FINE. NOW EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST. MY THREE UNGRATEFUL CHILDREN HAVENT CALLED SINCE CHRISTMAS.
A round, waterproof photo frame inset into every headstone. An original rant-era portrait. A subscription for the relatives who have already inherited enough.*
We preserve the face he had when he posted it. Not his graduation photo. Not the one where he held a baby. The exact expression that said the microwave was collecting evidence.
ONE FACE. FOREVER THAT MAD.
Replacement print. Original grievance.
Archive the moment. The family approves the photo from the era of the rant. That master image becomes the permanent record. We do not age him, beautify him or rehabilitate his eyebrows.
Seal it into the stone. A circular recessed waterproof frame, a gasket and a clear protective cover keep the portrait distinct from the engraved text. The circle is for his face. His opinions would not fit in any available shape.*
Replace it before it fades. While the family maintains the subscription, inspections and preventative replacements keep a fresh print of the same original picture in the frame. New print, same man, same certainty about the thermostat.*
Hand down the responsibility. A new family payer can take over. The archived picture stays locked. A payment from a granddaughter is not permission to use the Christmas photo.
If the subscription stops, the stone and installed photo remain. Future inspections and replacements stop. We allow weather to take its course. He would have called that government interference.
Move the years forward. The expression stays exactly the same. Weathering is a visual illustration, not a measured fade forecast.*
01 / ONE IMMORTAL DISAGREEMENT
Original Grudge
$9 / month*
One circular waterproof frame. One archived face. Preventative photo replacements. His original “DO YOUR RESEARCH” survives another family vacation.
02 / REVISION ATTEMPTS EXPECTED
Family Pressure Resistant
$19 / month*
Original Grudge plus a named family steward and rejection of softer replacement pictures. Includes the annual “We are not using the cruise photo” determination.
03 / THE ARGUMENT IS HEREDITARY
Dynasty of Certainty
$39 / month*
Family steward succession and payer handoff. The great-grandchildren inherit a waterproof portrait of a man who considered indoor plumbing suspiciously convenient.
His monument is permanent. The fresh print depends on the family’s continued subscription. His insistence that nothing should require a subscription has been faithfully engraved.*
FOR A MAN WHO NEVER USED PARAGRAPHS
Some opinions need six feet.
When “continued on reverse” won’t cut it, our caskets offer four sides of supporting evidence. The source he promised to find goes inside the lid.
Vernon Wallace · The Just Asking Questions edition View full sizeRead the lid and family reply
Vernon Wallace · October 4 at 3:14 AM
IF THE EARTH IS SPINNING WHY DOES MY PATIO FURNITURE STAY PUT. MY NEPHEW SAYS GRAVITY. HE HAS A DEGREE AND RENTS AN APARTMENT. I OWN TWO SHEDS. YOU DECIDE WHO TO BELIEVE.
Lauren Wallace: Uncle Vern this is the church page.
01 / THE RESEARCHER
A closed casket. An open question.
Rich walnut. Brass fittings. His worst-angle profile picture. The entire lid preserves the post exactly as the family remembers it, right down to the relative trying to redirect him. Includes an interior document pocket for the evidence he was “about to post.”
02 / THE ACTIVIST
The People’s Casket
I WILL NOT BE ATTENDING THANKSGIVING UNTIL THIS FAMILY ACKNOWLEDGES THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE WORD STUFFING. SUSAN HAS BEEN SENT THE READING LIST THREE TIMES. HER FAILURE TO RESPOND IS A RESPONSE.
Ethically sourced wood. Unethically long reading list. Three exclusive tiers of class solidarity.
03 / THE REALIST
The Nobody Wants to Work
WAITED 25 MINUTES FOR SOUP. GIRL SAID THEY WERE SHORT STAFFED. I SAID GET MORE STAFF. SHE DID NOT LIKE THAT. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN EVERYBODY GETS A TROPHY.
Six carrying handles. Four pallbearers. Management has declined to fill the remaining positions.
THE LEGACY DISTILLERY
From news feed to headstone.
Choose a family archive or bring one regrettable post. We’ll make it everyone else’s problem for centuries.
Kenneth L. Price1945 – 2026
THEY SAY I DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES. SAME PEOPLE THAT TOLD YOU PLUTO WAS A PLANET. KEEP BELIEVING THEM.
FOREVER IN OUR FEEDS
FULL CONTEXT / HE DID WARN YOU
“Dad pre-wrote this in 2011.”
BECAUSE HE WAS NEVER FINISHED
The final word. With optional extras.
01
Original Spelling Preservation
We will not let some college kid change his final “YOUR AN IDIOT.”
02
Comment Thread Engraving
Includes “Grandpa this is the church page,” “Please call me,” and the cousin who keeps posting fact-check links.
03
Motion-Activated Memorial
Walk past and hear “YOU KNOW WHAT THEY’RE NOT TELLING YOU?” Finally, a cemetery with the atmosphere of his living room.
04
Family Revision Protection
Prevents his children from replacing “THEY KNOW WHAT THEY DID” with “Forever in our hearts.”
Does the photo get younger with every replacement?
No. We replace the print, not the person. Every renewal uses the same archived image from the moment of the rant. His daughter’s attempt to submit a smiling Christmas portrait has been returned for lack of hostility.*
What happens if the family stops the subscription?
The stone and current photo stay put. Scheduled inspections and replacements stop. Weather may soften the picture. The engraved opinion remains aggressively available.*
Do you fact-check the inscriptions?
We verify that he said it. He was extremely clear about not wanting the other kind of verification.
What if he contradicted himself?
Double-sided stone. We consider this a materials issue.
Can we leave out the political stuff?
Certainly. Your revised monument reads “HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINDA” and “IS THIS STILL AVAILABLE.”
What if the whole rant won’t fit?
We recommend the Full Context Mausoleum. Nobody in the cemetery will ever ask what he meant again.
Can we preview it while he’s alive?
Yes. Let him accuse us of censorship while he still can. The Legacy Distillery above creates an inscription you can save and show him.
Ronald E. Peterson1943 – 2026
